Bless Your Headlines: Mississippi Monkey Mayhem

Well butter my biscuit and call me Jane Goodall — Mississippi has officially entered its Planet of the Apes era, and y’all, I did not have “escaped research monkeys sprinting down I-59” on my 2025 bingo card.

Three Rhesus macaques are currently on the lam after a truck overturned near Heidelberg, spilling crates, chaos, and a whole lot of questions like:

• Who was driving this monkey bus?
• Where were they going?
• And why does this suddenly feel like the opening scene of every pandemic movie ever made?

Officials swear the monkeys aren’t infectious — which, bless their hearts, is exactly what they always say right before someone coughs once and Hollywood buys the screenplay.

Hazmat Chic, but Make It Rural Mississippi

Authorities and Tulane University animal experts showed up dressed like they were entering a Level-Five biohazard zone — masks, gloves, hairnets, lab coats — while also insisting, again, “not infectious!”

You know who doesn’t dress like they’re about to handle alien goo if everything’s fine?
People who think everything is fine.

Meanwhile the sheriff says the monkeys need to be “neutralized” because they’re “aggressive.”
Neutralized.
Sir, this isn’t Mission Impossible, it’s three 16-pound monkeys who probably just want a banana and a nap — but sure, go full Rambo.

The Plot Thickens Like Magnolia Mud

Tulane says the monkeys aren’t theirs.
The truck’s occupants said the monkeys were dangerous.
Officials say they’re safe.
Tulane says they’re not the transporter.

At this point, I expect the next press briefing to begin with:

“We cannot confirm or deny whether these monkeys were on their way to learn kung fu.”

And let’s be real — somewhere in Mississippi right now, there is a grandma peeking out her kitchen window clutching a broom like:
“Not today, Satan. Or monkey.”

Citizen Alert: Do Not Approach Monkey

Authorities say if you see one, do not approach.

Ma’am, this is Mississippi. Somebody out there already has a monkey trap baited with Little Debbie snack cakes and is warming up the four-wheeler.

And please — whoever named this town Heidelberg — you knew this was coming.
One overturned truck and suddenly we are all in Heidel-burglar-of-monkeys territory.

In Conclusion: Godspeed, You Rogue Primates

To the three monkeys still out there:
Run free, little weirdos.
But also… maybe run toward animal control before someone mistakes you for Bigfoot’s cousin and calls the local news.

Bless our hearts, bless this highway, and bless whoever has to do the paperwork on this one.