Georgia Dale: The Cat Did Not Make Him Do It

Every now and then, a headline comes along that makes you stare into the middle distance and wonder whether civilization peaked with indoor plumbing.

This is one of those headlines.

According to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, a Florida man was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to a DoorDash delivery driver and later walking around the neighborhood naked. When deputies asked him why he had decided to turn North Combee Road into a one-man cautionary tale, he reportedly blamed a kitten scratch.

Bless your headlines.

The DoorDash Nobody Ordered

The incident reportedly began when a woman arrived at a home in Combee Settlement, Florida, to deliver food to 57-year-old David Thorsen.

This woman was not delivering drama. She was not delivering a life lesson. She was not delivering a community theater production called “Sir, Put Pants On.”

She was delivering food.

According to Sheriff Grady Judd, Thorsen opened the door wearing only a shirt. Then, as the sheriff put it in the kind of sentence that makes local news worth watching, “When she’s trying to do the DoorDash, he lifts his shirt and shows her his dash.”

That is not a delivery tip. That is a reason to call law enforcement.

And she did.

Because somewhere between “leave it at my door” and “please never make me see that again,” a line was crossed.

Florida Man Meets Florida Excuse

After the delivery driver reported the incident, deputies received another call that Thorsen was allegedly walking around the area of North Combee Road and Canal Drive naked.

At this point, the story had already gone from unfortunate to full-blown Florida bingo. DoorDash? Check. Public nudity? Check. Sheriff Grady Judd delivering a quote ready-made for the evening news? Check.

When deputies arrived and asked why he exposed himself, Thorsen allegedly said his kitten scratched him.

Now, I have known cats. Cats are mysterious. Cats are dramatic. Cats will look you directly in the eye while knocking your favorite coffee mug off the table just to remind you that love has limits.

But a kitten scratch does not usually require public nudity.

A Band-Aid? Sure. Some Neosporin? Reasonable. A dramatic sigh and a Facebook post about how your cat is “basically feral”? Understandable.

But answering the door half-dressed for a DoorDash driver and then wandering the neighborhood without pants is not on the standard treatment plan.

Sheriff Judd Had Questions

Sheriff Judd, never one to let absurdity pass without commentary, reportedly responded: “Is that the best excuse you’ve got?”

It is a fair question.

Because if you are going to blame a kitten for a pants-related incident, you had better bring a stronger narrative. Was the cat holding the waistband hostage? Did it hide the shorts? Was there a feline-led rebellion in the laundry room?

No? Then we are back to personal responsibility, which apparently remains available even in Florida.

Judd also said deputies would give Thorsen “some britches to wear” and expected him to keep them on.

That sentence belongs on a sampler in every courthouse waiting room.

Delivery Drivers Deserve Better

There is humor in this story because, frankly, the excuse is ridiculous. But there is also a serious point hiding under the absurdity.

Delivery drivers, service workers and people just trying to do their jobs should not have to wonder what kind of nonsense is waiting on the other side of a door.

These workers deal with bad directions, missing porch lights, loose dogs, lousy tips and people who think “contactless delivery” means “make the driver search behind three identical apartment buildings like it’s a scavenger hunt.”

They should not have to deal with indecent exposure.

The job is DoorDash, not National Geographic After Dark.

Keep the Cat Out of It

Thorsen was charged with vulgar public nudity and a probation violation related to prior charges, according to the sheriff’s office.

As for the kitten, we can only hope it has retained counsel or at least found a quieter household.

The lesson here is simple: put on pants before answering the door. Keep them on when walking down the road. And if you are ever tempted to blame a cat for your own bad choices, remember that cats already have enough public relations problems.

They scratch furniture, ignore commands and judge us silently from windowsills.

They do not need to be dragged into Florida man headlines.