Negotiation Isn’t Just for CEOs—It Belongs on the Playground Too

Teach your children to negotiate. It is an essential skill in the lost art of critical thinking. 

Kids are hammered with lessons imploring binary options – good/bad, wrong/right, black/white. However, they will eventually get caught in life’s whirlwind, where there’s a lot of gray. Without understanding the power of conscious negotiation and critical thinking, opinion often replaces hard facts on the playground, cable news, and the floor of Congress or even the bench in a courtroom.

There is no one way to negotiate, and different situations require different tacks. Negotiation skills come from experience and practice, not a written list of rules. Just like the parent who feels incompetent to help their kid with math homework, a parent may want to Google a few things on negotiation principles.

The starting point is easy – awareness. You negotiate hundreds of things every day from the moment you wake up. We can even negotiate with inanimate objects like your snooze button, or the pet name you have for your car that doesn’t want to start. Your decisions on groceries and consumer goods are a negotiation. We unconsciously let the store get the upper hand on the deal with ads, a price tag, supposed discounts, shelf placement, and other gimmicks that the store knowingly negotiates, and you ignore. I’m certainly guilty of moving several gallons of milk to get the one with a later expiration date, or asking for a discount on a slightly damaged product or opened package. The sticker on a new car is a negotiation tactic to give the consumer the impression that the car dealer has made the first offer. It’s called “sticker shock” for a reason: to move your expectations of the negotiation and target-point up.

The majority of negotiations involve “values,” even when a dollar amount is not front and center, and the same negotiation principles apply. There is value in such things as confidentiality, reputation, time, and emotions. Plenty of academic experiments show that people tend to engage in unconscious, psychologically motivated negotiation, negotiating to a point of bliss or happiness. After the fact, this is what becomes “buyers’ remorse.”

Never ignore the “introduction.” Know who you are negotiating with – be confident to ask a few questions and be extremely mindful of how you are introducing yourself in the process. Negotiations are derived from a “relationship”, even if temporary. So, be in control of or guide that relationship. Dare yourself to negotiate with your son or daughter without being the parent – perhaps a co-conspirator for an ice cream run.

Good negotiators have a high emotional IQ, or emotional intelligence. This involves understanding the goals and interests of the other side. E-IQ is not about empathy or agreement. It is about understanding and being able to effectively articulate that understanding. Like him or not, President Trump is an excellent instructor on E-IQ. He often remains in serious disagreement during negotiations, yet he is blunt and correct in demonstrating his understanding of the other side. He will even openly invite a challenge to his understanding: “Tell me where I am wrong.”

Positions can be important, yet realize that the resolution of a negotiation comes from the identification and concessions on “interests” and not “positions.” First, parties often have many mutual interests that can be identified. Second, if focusing on interests, a party can reach an agreement without conceding its positions. For example, “My daughter is the best player on her softball team, but she did not break your window – the dead bird is more likely the culprit. I’m not paying $300, but to resolve it neighborly, I’ll give you fifty dollars.” Multi-million dollar negotiated settlements routinely state a denial of liability.

One of the best venues for practicing negotiations is a garage sale. Give your son or daughter two or five dollars to spend with the caveat that they cannot buy anything for the marked price. The ability to walk away is a negotiation tool. Ask for and listen to the story of how they negotiated a lower price, and bring awareness by pointing out the beneficial things they did. At all costs, avoid criticizing or using the word “but.” A two-way discussion of “what if” scenarios and the plan of attack for the next driveway can be useful and fun. 

Once you see the confidence in your smiling kid to feel comfortable engaging in negotiation, the next weekend you might up the ante to ten dollars, followed by a negotiation of where to go to get ice cream. That’s a negotiation I’m willing to lose because my interests are in the experience and sharing time – not the ice cream.