Slowest Police Chase Ever? South Carolina Cops Trail Burglar in 3 MPH Excavator Escape

“Caution: Wide Load of Dumb Ahead”

Well, if you were wondering what happens when “The Fast and the Furious” meets “Bob the Builder,” let me introduce you to Sunday morning in North Charleston, South Carolina—where officers found themselves in a high-stakes pursuit… at a scorching 3 miles per hour.

Yes, you read that right. Not 30. Not even 13. Three. As in, the speed your grandpa walks when he’s looking for his glasses, and he’s already wearing them.

It all started around 3:30 a.m., which is either the hour of burglars or bored raccoons—depending on your zip code. Police, who were already out dealing with one situation, happened to spot a whole excavator creeping across Highway 78 like it had nowhere to be and all the time in the world to get there. And sure enough, minutes later, they got a burglary call about a nearby business that had been bulldozed in true Wile E. Coyote fashion.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Was it a getaway vehicle or a retirement plan for the suspect’s getaway knees?” Either way, officers bravely took off in pursuit—just as soon as they put their cars in park so they wouldn’t accidentally outrun the suspect.

You know it’s bad when the blue lights and sirens are moving slower than a Target parking lot on Sunday afternoon. The officers had to keep stopping so they didn’t accidentally overtake the suspect. I imagine the whole thing felt less like a chase and more like a very aggressive funeral procession.

Bless their hearts, they even got on the loudspeaker to announce, “You are under arrest. Please stop.” Which, as any southern mama knows, is code for “We are trying so hard not to laugh while doing our job right now.”

Eventually, after 72 adrenaline-pumping minutes that probably included two full episodes of Matlock, the excavator veered onto the Charleston County Fairgrounds and got stuck. Because of course it did. I’m surprised it didn’t make a U-turn into the cotton candy stand.

The 53-year-old suspect then did what any self-respecting cartoon villain would do—he tried to run. On foot. As if nobody would notice the guy who just spent over an hour operating a stolen Tonka toy in plain view of law enforcement and likely half of TikTok.

Fortunately, police deployed a drone and a K9 unit, because by then the only thing this chase was missing was a hot air balloon and a Benny Hill soundtrack.

The man now faces charges of failure to stop for a blue light and two counts of malicious injury to real property—which I assume includes the psychic damage inflicted on every officer who had to explain this on their shift report.

So, what’s the lesson here, folks?

It’s simple: If your life is headed off the rails, maybe don’t make your next move literally involve treads. And if you’re considering criminal activity, perhaps skip the construction equipment unless you’re planning a community service project.

More importantly, let’s all take a moment to appreciate the police officers who kept a straight face (hopefully) during the world’s slowest manhunt. And to the suspect—bless your heart—you really put the “crawl” in criminal.

Until next time, remember: life moves pretty fast. Unless you’re in an excavator. Then it moves slower than a Sunday sermon in July.

Now y’all behave. Or at least be quicker about it.