Welcome to 2026

2026: Same Planet, New Price Tags

Like every year before it, 2026 enters convinced it can enhance the world simply by clocking in. History’s familiar cycle of innovation and transformation will dutifully churn on, ensuring things stay interesting while we collectively uphold humankind’s tradition of learning absolutely nothing from the years that came before.

A One-Stop Shop for the End

In the new year, even death will come with an itemized bill. Why sit around waiting for business when you can manufacture demand yourself? One Canadian funeral home has embraced the entrepreneurial spirit by adding room rentals for assisted suicide to its service menu. For $700, you can book a private suite to end your life before seamlessly transitioning to your reserved spot in the home’s basement morgue. It is 2026’s version of a one-stop shop until you drop – permanently.

Spiritual Tremors, Not a Revival

“The Charlie Kirk Effect” is not a Christian cultural earthquake, but a brief tremor that will fizzle out just like all that post-9/11 patriotism. Such a spiritual awareness and a rejection of some awful ideas (like the preceding paragraph) that poison our increasingly pagan culture is encouraging, but a revival of American Christianity? You have a better chance of finding Bigfoot shooting dice in Brooklyn.

Welcome to Dante’s Airport

The Transportation Security Administration will become even more egregious. In February, the agency will begin charging travelers without a “Real ID” a $45 convenience fee for the privilege of being screened extra thoroughly. Combine that with the airlines’ increased premiums on window seats and baggage, today’s airport is auditioning for its own circle in Dante’s Inferno.

A Nation Growing Old in Real Time

With a swelling population of senior citizens paired with a dwindling supply of children, America is aging faster than a smartphone battery during a three-hour Zoom call. In nearly half of U.S. counties, seniors now outnumber children. Nothing says “vibrant nation” like more walkers than strollers.

A Ship Name That Writes Its Own Punchline

According to the Navy’s grandiose plans for a new “Golden Fleet,” one of its future crown jewels will be an aircraft carrier named the USS William J. Clinton. With a vessel that massive and packed with seamen, the Navy may want to reconsider naming it the USS Lewinsky.

When Smart Devices Stop Being Polite

Smart devices will become ruthless to the point of developing attitudes and holding grudges. For one, your refrigerator will refuse to open because you did not change the baking soda as scheduled. Meanwhile, AI will decline to set timers unless spoken to in an appreciative tone that Silicon Valley should call: “Latest Artificial Mostly Erratic (LAME).” These digital butlers will now monitor cadence and candor and refuse to operate if they detect a hint of passive-aggressiveness.

Autonomy Without Direction

Self-driving cars will achieve autonomy and drive themselves anywhere except where you need to go, while human drivers will continue treating traffic laws as suggestions. Public transit systems will be locked in a perpetual cycle of so-called improvements and ambitious new schedules, while continuing to be costly, late, and funded through bureaucratic initiatives, making everything slower, louder, and more susceptible to breaking down. Despite such widespread angst, commuters return. Every day. Because parking is worse.

Economists Say Something Without Saying Anything

Economically, analysts predict a year of cautious optimism, which is economist-speak for “we have no clue, but we are compelled to say something.” Inflation, consumer prices, and the markets will fluctuate while financial experts will continue offering advice that boils down to “spend less, save more,” a strategy that the government never adheres to.

Political Complacency Has a Cost

Being incredibly naïve and foolish are those conservatives who believe Democrats have their backs against the wall with the November 2026 midterms. The 2025 election upsets underscore the complacency of Republicans and the energy of Democrats. Democrats may seem cavalier, but they are meticulously willing to do anything to win, and they continue to win off-year elections against all logic, understanding quite well how politics is a zero-sum affair. A wave election for Democrats in which Republicans drown is a possibility. Republicans are famous for their ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, as those acquainted with history know all too well.

Hope, Chaos, and the Collision Ahead

2026 will be another year blended with hope, bewilderment, and innovation. It will be where the forces of good and evil continue to collide, with the outcome determining whether America’s 250th birthday experiences the beginning of a revival or a march toward ruin.